Posted by DMC on Sep 16, 2009 in
Jokes The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ”Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
Posted by DMC on Sep 16, 2009 in
Diary This evening, my lovely and I went to the Fenwick Elliott Garden Party on the roof of Derry & Toms. in the High Street Kensington.
It really is a very beautiful garden which brought to mind the Hanging Gardens of Babylon which I imagine could have been similar. I was fortunate enough to visit Babylon in 1959 when I was working briefly in Iraq. Of course, the gardens themselves no longer exist but at least I was able to see where they were supposed to have been.
I was extremely fortunate in being able to walk down the recently excavated main street of Babylon, with its relief lions on the high flanking brick walls, where Nebuchadnezzar rode down in triumph, in the 12th century B.C,. having defeated the Assyrians. I was practically alone, as it was long before this became one of the great tourist sites in the world. An awe inspiring experience.
Fenwick Elliott’s, as usual, gave great party with wonderful food but the venue was rather spoilt by a high chilly wind – so much for our Indian Summer! Sadly, this proved to be the first occasion when I found it almost impossible to get the spoon, in my right hand, up to my mouth without assistance from the other hand. Just evidence of a continuing weakening. Unless I can devise some portable adjustable support system I may have to start restricting my public eating appearances.
I have not given up on my feeding frame and have a number of leads which I’m currently pursuing to have it manufactured, marketed and distributed, However, where I originally thought it that this would be portable I have subsequently decided that that is simply not practicable, so I will have to think of something else for the occasional meal out.
Tags: feeding frame
Posted by DMC on Sep 17, 2009 in
Diary Back to London today for the City Branch lunch of the Arbitration Club, at Clifford Chance’s office in Canary Wharf -a bit of a drag. I overcame the eating problem by asking for 2 large up-turned basins, each covered with a napkin, on which I rested my right arm and my wine glass. A temporary but inelegant solution.
After lunch I rather stupidly sent off for Brick Lane, where I was hoping to purchase some cheap Indian cotton underpants. A strange quest I agree but the reason is that the cheap lightweight pants are much easier to manipulate, with my weak hands, than the better quality close-fitting M & S variety. As it happened, having got there in a muck sweat, after two bus rides and long walk, Brick Lane seems to consist almost entirely of Asian restaurants – no retail clothing shops that I could find.
Tags: Arbitration Club, clothing
Posted by DMC on Sep 18, 2009 in
Diary I decided to update my patientslikeme.com profile today, having not done so for a month or so. I was interested to note that the ALS Functional Rating Score (FRS), which keeps track of one’s overall condition by measuring symptoms in all parts of the body, grades ‘normal’ in the range between 75 – 25. In September 2007 I scored 48 and now am down to 34. Anything below 25 is classified as severe.
Edward O. came round this evening to check my tax liability. It seems likely that the tax man probably owes me money instead of the other way around as they are suggesting. I have requested a copy of the assessment.
Tags: FRS, tax
Posted by DMC on Sep 19, 2009 in
Diary The Griggs’ and Ensoms came to lunch and we were able to eat in the garden. A rare event for summer….
Tags: friends
Posted by DMC on Sep 20, 2009 in
Diary To East Dulwich for lunch with Chloe, Karl and the grandchildren. Managed to walk the mile or so from London Bridge to Liverpool Street station without too much effort.
England managed to scrape an unconvincing win in the seventh of the one-day series against Australia, mainly due to Swann’s 5 for 28 – one win out of seven does not auger well for the World Series in South Africa next year.
Tags: cricket, family, travel
Posted by DMC on Sep 21, 2009 in
Diary The City Branch of the Arbitration Club lunch today. This one at the offices of Clifford Chance’s in Bishopsgate, so not too far to travel from Liverpool Street Station. Although I enjoy these lunches I am not sorry that this present round is coming to an end as they are not doing much good to my waistline.
Today the office of the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) published guidelines on Assisted Suicide. These are for consultation only, at this stage, and are expected be published around the end of the year. Although I have not seen these guidelines myself I gather the gist of them is that a person who assists another to commit suicide who it is, for example terminally ill or in great pain, is unlikely to be prosecuted. There will be clear protection built in for the vulnerable elderly and mentally ill. Public opinion seems to be strongly in favour of such new legislation or guidelines.
Today, in recognition of the success of this blog (around 65,000 hits to-date) I dropped ‘MND’ from the title, shortening it to ‘Dying to Live’.
This is because the blog has obviously appealed to people far beyond those suffering from MND and I would like to think that it would help anyone who is terminally ill, suffering from a long-term illness, or just depressed. Perhaps the anecdotes or the jokes might momentarily cheer them up. To this end I have added a P.S. to the introduction to this blog and, as I doubt whether people will read this introduction more than once, I’ve decided to repeat it in the content of today’s entry. What I’ve also suggested is that if people find this blog supportive in any way, either as a patient or as a carer, then why not pass it on to their own group of friends in the hope that someone, somewhere may benefit from it.
To lighten things up after this serious note I have added two new jokes – The Bounced Cheque and The Loving Husband.
Tags: Arbitration Club, assisted suicide
Posted by DMC on Sep 23, 2009 in
Diary Alice and I flew to Dublin today for me to give the Ken McQuillan Memorial Address to the Irish Branch of the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators.
We stayed in an extremely comfortable hotel, the Radisson Royale, and were wonderfully looked after, throughout the visit by our hosts. Rather too well, as it turned out at lunchtime, when my old friend, barrister Michael Stimpson kindly invited us to the St. Stephen’s Hibernian Club.
Fortunately, I recovered sufficiently to deliver the address, for which I had been invited but that, and the effort of delivering a paper a little longer than an hour, in combination with my medication, meant that I was unable to enjoy the dinner with the committee afterwards. In the event, apparently the feedback was that the talk went reasonably well although the jokes were not received as enthusiastically as they might well have been at a dinner where the guests would have been in a more amenable frame of mind.
Tags: Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, Dublin
Posted by DMC on Sep 24, 2009 in
Diary Fortunately I recovered overnight and awoke reasonably refreshed and after a hearty breakfast we set off to explore Trinity College University and the 20th-Century paintings at the National Gallery which my lovely was particularly keen to see. On the way she very kindly bought me a beautiful pale lemon Donegal tweed waistcoat.
There was a panic search at the hotel for my mobile phone which, in the event, turned out to have never left the security tray at Stansted Airport. Fortunately the airport authorities were able to locate us by the home number in the telephone.
After a light lunch we caught the early evening flight home.
Tags: Dublin
Posted by DMC on Sep 25, 2009 in
Diary After catching up with my backlog of e-mails I had a home visit from a very nice member of the AbilityNet team – Jodie Parkes. This was so much more satisfactory than the ‘remote assist’ telephone conference which I had previously. Jodie was very quickly able to assess my limitations and future needs.
He was able to recommend an updated laptop with a much larger ram and the next version of my voice activation programme, Dragon Preferred 10, with which he assured me I will be able to do much more than with my present version, particularly, as he is also recommending a gooseneck microphone which he tells me is far more sensitive, and less directionally dependent, then the one built-in to my present laptop.
I gave Jodie the vertical lever mouse to return to AbilityNet, which frankly I had never really used. He also took away the Sony E-reader as he is going to try to have this replaced with one of the more sophisticated Kindle e-reader, coming out towards the end of this year.
What is so amazing about all of this is that AbilityNet will purchase and give me this equipment, on permanent loan as long as I live, at absolutely no cost to me. How different from the government social services where one is mean tested for almost anything other than the most basic piece of equipment. What an amazing charity. I must see what I can do for them, at some stage.
