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1 March 2010

Posted by DMC on 1 March 2010 in Diary |

Ali very kindly dropped in today to massage the fluid out of my fingers and to manipulate my shoulder joints. This needs to be done on a daily basis so I suspect’ my lovely’, and Jane will have to muck in and help. It is so obvious to me that both of these operations are clearly helpful with weak hands and arms that I find it very hard to understand why my MND team have not recommended this to me some months ago. I can certainly take it up with them on my next assessment.

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The Beautiful Anantara, Hua Hin, Thailand

Posted by DMC on 1 March 2010 in Videos |

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2 March 2010

Posted by DMC on 2 March 2010 in Diary |

I went to London today to the Law Courts Branch Meeting of the Arbitration Club. One of our members, Keith Kirkwood, very kindly met me at Bishop’s Stortford Railway Station and taxied me from Liverpool Street station to the venue and back. It was very kind of him. I discovered something entirely new today. I was aware that taxies have been fitted with hydraulic platforms that can be lowered for wheelchairs and I did not know that the dickie seat by the door actually swings out over the pavement making it very easy to mount the cab. It then swings back and clicks into place during the journey. I shall certainly be happier taking cabs in the future as a result.

It was a good meeting and I was particularly pleased to see our long serving chairman Dominic Helps looking robust after a period of ill health.

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I Forgot

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Videos |

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I Hate Long Goodbyes

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Videos |

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Will I Live To See 80?

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Jokes |

I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said,…. ‘ Then, why do you even give a damn?’

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Actual UK Passport Application

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Jokes |

Apparently this letter was actually received by a passport office:

Dear Sirs,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Mary Anne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be abso-f**king-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address !!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin’ there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you’d be the last f**king people I’d want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f**king copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You’d rather have us running all over the f**kin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it’s really me on the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f**kin’ morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn’t smile if we wanted to? Because we’re totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 …….. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. …….. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F**KING PAKISTAN !

You Should Know Who.

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Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Jokes |

Please click the image for the full sized version.

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Old Farmer’s Advice

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Anecdotes |

Old Farmer’s Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

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Astronomers Select Top Ten Most Amazing Pictures Taken by Hubble Space Telescope in Last 16 Years

Posted by DMC on 3 March 2010 in Anecdotes |

“…they illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful.”
Michael Hanlon/AH (Nov 25th, 2006)

After correcting an initial problem with the lens, when the Hubble Space Telescope was first launched in 1990, the floating astro-observatory began to relay back to Earth, incredible snapshots of the “final frontier” it was perusing.
Recently, astronauts voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble, in its 16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail, reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos “illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful.”

Hubble telescope’s top ten greatest space photographs

The Sombrero Galaxy – 28 million light years from Earth – was voted best picture taken by the Hubble telescope. The dimensions of the galaxy, officially called M104, are as spectacular as its appearance. It has 800 billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.

The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3, resembles an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes. The nebula lies within our
galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.

In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called Eskimo because it looks like a face surrounded by a furry hood. The hood is, in fact, a ring of comet-shaped objects flying away from a dying star. Eskimo is 5,000 light years from Earth.

At four is the Cat’s Eye Nebula

The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a pinched-in-the-middle look because the winds that shape it are weaker at the centre.

In sixth place is the Cone Nebula. The part pictured here is 2.5 light years in length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).

The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years away, described as ‘a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of oxygen, sulphur and other elements’.

Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh painting. It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.

The glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling cores of two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis Major constellation.

The Trifid Nebula. A ‘stellar nursery’, 9,000 light years from here, it is where new stars are being born.

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