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23 really awful oldies

Posted by DMC on 1 May 2010 in Jokes |

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s   have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,   and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’

23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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If we only knew for sure

Posted by DMC on 1 May 2010 in Jokes |
If we only knew for sure
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony. ‘This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.’

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.. ‘You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer. ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’ ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

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May Day

Posted by DMC on 1 May 2010 in Diary |

I received, from HDTI, a CD beautifully illustrating the first of my inventions in a presentation form. Guy, the director, has already made contact with two major international firms with a view to setting up a presentation for me. Unfortunately he is  on holiday for the next couple of weeks so nothing much is going to happen until towards the end of May. I must say though, his colleague Paul Magee, has done a great job in refining, and indeed improving, on. my original design.

As a result of receiving this CD I had a meeting this morning with a long term friend who lives in the same village, Simon Cooke, a one-time patent lawyer, who gave me some very sound advice and contact points to pursue the intellectual property protection on the first of my inventions  -the details  of which I will be able to disclose shortly.- that I require to have in place  before presenting the idea to a third party.

This afternoon that great blog saviour, my neighbour Graham Smith, spent a further three hours with me tidying up and bringing the blog up to date (almost the first time it has been like that since I started writing it a year ago). Graham has very kindly agreed to write for me the Mug’s Guide that I’ve been begging for so long, so that eventually I can take over the whole process myself. In the meantime I am able to release Richard Morris who has been such a star setting up the blog in the first place and maintaining it, despite being under enormous pressure at work and at home. I shall be eternally grateful to him for that.

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2 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 2 May 2010 in Diary |

A last-minute, but always welcome,  invitation for Sunday lunch from  the W-P’s. Judith is such a splendid cook that one can always anticipate something delicious and we were not disappointed .

As I now have the assistance of my neighbour in updating this blog I am hopeful that from now on it will never be out of date by more than a few days.  The main thing I need to learn is  how to do is how to add, what I have always described to Richard, as the twiddly bits – the Anecdotes; Jokes; Videos Photos. What I intend to do from now on is, to include them in the text even if they are not ready to be viewed by the reader. This will be obvious if the title is not highlighted in red. As and when these ‘ twiddly bits’ are ready to be viewed  the font colour will change.

Today, I finished a fascinating book, given to me by my brother-in-law, Col. Garton Jones, by John Harding, entitled Roads to Nowhere – a South Arabian Odyssey 1960 to 1965. The point being that this was almost the same period of my residence in Aden (late 1959 to early 1964) during which time my brother-in-law also was stationed there the Army.  Indeed, I enjoyed a passing acquaintance with the Author, during my 4 ½. years sojourn  in Aden.

I have  unbounded admiration for the way in which John Harding displays such extraordinary recall of events, of lengthy unpronounceable Arabic names and places and bucket loads  of direct quotes of remembered conversations.. I can only think he must have kept a very detailed diary.

On arrival in  1959, I was a 25 year old sole resident partner of a firm of chartered surveyors responsible for building works throughout,  what, we  then called the Persian Gulf.. I visited the places that the author mentions in his book Dhala, Lahej, Mukulla and the Wadi Hadramaut, to mention but a few. What I did not realise  was the political turmoil which was bubbling away in all of these places, at one time or another, during this period, and how very dangerous it was at certain times to visit them. Of course, as civilians we were aware of what, in the UK, was known as ‘the troubles’ in Aden. Indeed, my office was situated in Crater, adjacent to an alleyway next to the suq (market). It was from the parliament building, opposite my office, that the so-called terrorists, fired rockets through the alley into the suq before being dispersed by British troops. As a result I had to temporarily close the office, on a number of occasions, to allow the teargas  to disperse  sufficiently for the young male staff to continue working. Even this and the evening when a hand grenade was thrown over the wall of the open-air cinema in Khormaksar, whilst we were watching a film, did not really cause much consternation amongst the expats. Had I known then, what I know now, after reading this book, I may not have been so sanguine.

The other extraordinary thing is that we played polo three times a week on an open flat piece of desert on the outskirts of Aden which had no  form of security fence around it and could easily have been mined. Although we were vaguely aware of the possibility I cannot recall any of the players being over concerned about being blown up. Yet this was in a period where almost as many soldiers died in this region as were lost in Falklands, years later.

As I said earlier I entertain great admiration for John Harding’s power  of recall in such minute detail and can strongly recommend this book to anyone who may also have been in the region at the time. I cannot resist finishing with a quote from the book which may well become pertinent in relation to our presence today in Afghanistan.

“British dis-engagements from both Aden (November 1967) and Iraq (April 2009) was largely impelled by economic crises and military overstretch”.

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4 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 4 May 2010 in Diary |

Geriatric golf day. Sunny  but bitterly cold wind. I gave up after 13 holes were found I was doing more riding in Griggsy’s buggy than walking. 110/150 yards seems to be my limit before I needed a rest.

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6 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 6 May 2010 in Diary |

Election day. Lunch with Douglas Gordon at the Axe & Compasses, in Arkesden. He very kindly telephoned, just before lunch, asking which car he should bring, being aware of my immobility I said, the one with the highest seats. He turned with an magnificent ancient open topped Rolls-Royce, which apparently had belonged to his father some 60 years ago and he had been fortunate enough to buy back a few years ago. Unfortunately, the running board was so high that even after several attempts, I simply could mount. I abandoned the attempt and poor Douglas had to return home and get his other, far less salubrious, car.

Whilst he was away I returned to my office, but the effort of trying to get into the car had exhausted my legs. In attempting to negotiate the highest step into my office, I toppled over backwards  smacking my poor head on the ground, once again. I was a bit shaken but fortunately there was no serious damage, so went on, on Douglas’s return, to enjoy a pleasant lunch. On the way to the Axe, we dropped in a polling station to cast my vote. After checking with head office the returning officer  kindly bought my voting slip to the car where I made my rather shaky cross.

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7 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 7 May 2010 in Diary |

Awake at 2:30 AM to listen to the election results as they came in. It soon became clear that it was unlikely that the Conservatives would achieve a clear majority and we will be stuck with a hung parliament — the worst of all worlds. In the event the Conservatives led by a substantial majority in England, ending up with 306 seats — 19 short of a clear majority — they utterly failed Scotland, only winning one seat, where once they were the predominant party. The Lib Dems  had a disappointing night despite the “Clegg” factor which resulted from the three prime ministerial television debates. It actually ended up with 5 seats less than they had before. It was a night of humiliation for Gordon Brown, the Labour Party which ended with 258 seats and loss of 98. Now the fun begins, ironically, with me as a potential kingmaker

The good Dr long arrived early this morning having travelled from Australia but will only stay one day leaving on Saturday morning at 4.20 a.m. but will be back again in a couple of weeks time.

 I had a long term engagement to have lunch, with my old friend and literary executor, Dr Julian Critchlow at Sheekey’s today. I would have offered to take the good doctor but he arrived shortly after I left  for the station. In any event, he told me afterwards that he would have declined, the offer of lunch, in favour of resting and working in my office. He was understandably rather weary having travelled steerage from Australia.

As always I had a delicious lunch,  at what is my favourite restaurant. It’s always a pleasure to meet up with Julian who is excellent company at the best and the worst of times. Characteristically generous, he insisted that we went from Sheekey;s to the Travellers, club in Pall Mall, where we were able sit in the garden and smoke excellent an Monte Cristo and a have final glass of champagne..

 The outing was slightly marred, however, when my train arrived at Bishops Stortford Station and I attempted to dismount, albeit with the assistance of a kindly gentleman whose help, I had elicited. Unfortunately this gentleman did not realise how weak were my legs  and, in negotiating this step down from the tran, I crashed to  the floor, banging my head on the train before it hit the platform. I twisted my leg and bruised my shoulder but persuaded the powers that be that I was okay and did not want to be taken off in an ambulance. The awful thing is that for the first few moments, when people see a prone body, their first reaction its that the person is intoxicated. I’d certainly have a decent lunch though not such that it would have affected my balance.  I was fortunate that ‘the good doctor ‘was meeting me and declared me fit to travel except I think I have probably cracked a bone in my ankle and will probably have to have it x-rayed tomorrow.

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8 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 8 May 2010 in Diary |

A red letter day and also a black one. First, the good news. Today this blog passed the  500,000 mark and is currently running at around 2000 hits per day. I suppose the second bit of good news is that we have a new government, a Conservative/coalition headed by David Cameron (the being the styled Lib Con as I suppose Con Dem has rather fatalistic ring about it) This coalition has committed itself to a fixed term of five years  although  severe doubts have been expressed as to whether it could possibly last that long -too many concessions to the more leftist Lib Dem could now start a counter action from the right-wing Conservatives.

The bad news is that I was so admitted to hospital today, Addenbrookes in Cambridge, with a fractured  fibula (the skinny bone in the lower leg) I must say in the good doctor Long’s defence is that such a ‘piddling’ little fracture is not easy to detect, without an x-ray, which I pooh-poohed immediately, after the accident. The problem is I’m going to have this fibreglass cast for at least six weeks, during which time the calf muscle atrophy, on what was already a weak  leg. Anyway, like it or not, I am writing this from  hospital bed as we clearly do not have the equipment necessary to hoist me from the bed, or indeed, wheelchair. The staff to do all of this needs to be arranged in the near future.

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9 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 9 May 2010 in Diary |

I am in an all-male ward with five other elderly gentleman, most of them, it appears to me, suffering from some form of dementia or Parkinson’s disease. It is a very clean and cheerful ward and the  nursing staff are extremely patient and helpful.

Further bad news for me was when the consultant informed me that I should prepare myself for spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair. I must say this was a real shock, early. For a brief period this news left me feeling rather frightening. I knew that would be my inevitable end but did not expect it to come before the end of this year. I will have a rethink how I manage my daily existence getting  to Lord’s for the cricket for example (My cricket mates have been dying to get one of us into a wheelchair for years so that they can hog the front row in the Tavern stand – but I never thought it would be me!)

Good old Mick-emailed me today dismissing the whole idea of my not being able to walk again  As he says it is only a piddley fracture. I’m with Mick. I shall persevere and do my recommended exercises assiduously, probably doing the twice as many as recommended. Aiming  to at least be able to stand shortly after the cast is removed. I might even be able to move from a chair to the wheelchair without specialist assistance. If I do manage this it will make an enormous difference to my daily existence, certainly over the next few months.

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12 May 2010

Posted by DMC on 12 May 2010 in Diary |

I am still here (in hospital) desperately waiting to get home. Our local OT, Sarah Moss, has been an absolute star and has already had an NHS bed, hoist and ramps delivered at home. The only thing keeping me here now is recruiting staff to come in morning and evening to hoist me out of bed and into a wheelchair  and then to return in the evening to put me back in bed.

The days drag but  I’m fortunate in that  a second year Foundation Doctor, Gemma – I never learned her family name -, took pity on me when she realised I could not get broadband in this ward and very kindly lent her dongle, which allows me to use the Internet. She saved my life so I gave up my box of truffles.

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