1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one ofÂ them would have seen it.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks areÂ tooÂ high.’
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it,Â it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heatÂ it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, isÂ thereÂ anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’sÂ Â Â have a look atÂ him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Â Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What?Â Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up myÂ backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give meÂ a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go forÂ it.’
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,Â Â and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other oneÂ off.
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.Â They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ SoÂ thatÂ was nice.’
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in severalÂ places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’
23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a smallÂ two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescueÂ workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climbÂ asÂ digging continues into the night.