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16 June 2011

Posted by DMC on 18 June 2011 in Diary |

I had an horrendous day yesterday struggling with my laptop. First of all, it was the Orange Live Box and that took a couple of hours to sort out with the people from Orange and then I found although the Live Box itself was working. I had no Internet connection. That meant another couple of hours or so with help from my neighbour, Edward Oliver, who had to come in to press buttons and plug things back into it. No sooner had I recovered my Internet than I found that the Dragon, voice activation, was not working. The man, from Dragon, at the other end of the helpline, was extremely helpful and patient but in the end decided that the only way they could fix it was remotely take over control of my computer and an appointment was made for nine o’clock tomorrow.

While all this was going on, and in between telephone calls, my secretary, Doreen, came to catch up with the accounts and filing. Almost at the same time the people from Hollies Wheelchairs, came to measure the pressure of my backside on the wheelchair so they could register and fit a bespoke air-filled Roho cushion on the electric wheelchair. I shall have to spend a full day on it to determine whether it is more comfortable than the original seat but it certainly doesn’t feel any different at present.

In the middle of all of these toing and froings and telephone calls the aromatherapist appeared to do her weekly rub..Around 3.00 PM, Beatrice and Rosemary, two oF Alice’s  oldest friends, appeared for tea and a chat with me. Unfortunately, I was so invovled with the telephone session, attempting to correct my voice activation, that I was unable to spend any time with them.

A thoroughly unsatisfactory day and, as a result, a very boring entry, so to cheer my readers up here is a little joke for you

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $10,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper .Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

‘About 32,’ is the reply..’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay , Okay ….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you McDonalds.’ A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $10,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper .Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

‘About 32,’ is the reply..’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay , Okay ….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you McDonalds.’F

 

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