Being a Tuesday I hardly need to tell the regular reader that I went to the geriatric golf meeting at Worlington today, very kindly transported by Peter Murphy to and from the course and around it by Griggsy. As usual it was a great deal of fun and I enjoyed every minute of it. The members, are to a man, immensely kind and considerate. I do not differentiate between them. Whoever happens to be around can help me  get to my feet ; dress me up for lunch, cut up my food and even feed me when things get difficult. Wearing a skirt (kilt) the ladies having given me dispensation to use their loo, which means I do not have to negotiate any steps. The great advantage of this is that  even the most squeamish of members only have to slide their hands up under the kilt from behind, and lower my pants sufficiently for me to have a pee, and then pull them up again, with no loss of dignity or embarrassment on either side. This, of course, was my key objective in purchasing the kilt in the first place. This week this delicate operation was carried out by Griggsy.

The last week before I fly off to Sweden with the good doctor and suddenly there seems to be lots to do. For example, not being able to go upstairs to my dressing room, or to pack for myself, I had to prepare packing lists for the 15 kg check-in suitcase and a separate list for the 10 kg  carry on case allowed by Ryanair. Michael has already warned me any overweight can be very expensive with this particular airline.

Another job I did was to draft a valedictory address to my students in China. I hope to get the good doctor to take a video of it on Friday and then persuade Monti to make me a DVD which can be played, in my absence, to the students the beginning of the lectures in October.

Readers will recall me going to the hygienist recently to have my teeth de-scaled and not being very impressed by the thoroughness of the operation. Accordingly, my erstwhile private dentist very kindly looked in today to inspect my teeth and give me his opinion on the quality of the ‘clean’. I am glad to say that he agreed with me, indeed he confirmed that it was a very poor job am offered to speak to the Teeth Commissioner on my behalf, following which I shall probably have to make a formal complaint. Apart from anything else I was told that the general clean cost £16 under the NHS and the £45 odd that we paid is what we should have been charged for dental work other than a clean.

(note: None of the below can be opened by clicking on to title is highlighted in red)

Jokes

Deeply profound so described by my friend who sent it to me. A sexually incorrect joke for the male chauvinist.

Deaf wifeb. This is one of the girls getting their own back.

Nokie Green naughty but funny

Good Italian story not to be read by any one under the age of 18.

Jenny Craig from men yet another dieting story.

Photos

The Front Row  Five. A photograph taken by Graham Morris, the Times photographer, of yours truly with four of his mates at me Australia v Pakistan  Test match, at Lord’s, on July 2010.

You’ll Love This .I defy even the hardest hearted person not go soft over this.

Photos of the Third Reich rarely seen

Sublimmephotosdechi.pps Some cool pictures.

Canadian Billboards Some of these need to be read to be believed..

My readers may recall me saying that in order to ensure that I had the full attention of my Chinese students, at the beginning of my lectures, I often started with something totally unexpected — a Latin quotation; a saying from Confucius,  or with an outrageous comment.
Therefore, when I received the following joke this morning I couldn’t resist reproducing it here to demonstrate the point. I know that this  it’s a little rude and I thought for a brief second that I might substitute the word  ‘arsehole’ with ‘anus’, but then realised there this will not have the same impact, or indeed be quite so funny. The prurient can always skip the joke.
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably out fishing with his mates!’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

This reminds me of a lesson that I learnt early on in my arbitration career that is taught to every advocate, Never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer.

Now that I have finally made the decision that it is impossible for me to give my lectures in China this year, the reader may recall that I raised the subject of the possibility of one final sunshine holiday, with the good doctor Long. Having considered Dubai and Cyprus, both of which I have been to on very many occasions, we opted for Hua Hin and the Anantara, resort. (See video section – The Beautiful and Anantara) I agreed with Mick that I would sound out the  possibility with the hotel. The Hotel Manager. Director of Operations, Tim Boda, could not have been more welcoming or enthusiast. He went to great lengths with his staff to demonstrate. through photographs, how we could manoeuvre the wheelchair to the various parts of the site that I used regularly.

He also offered the choice of two downstairs rooms, both of which get an element of either morning or afternoon sunshine, which was one of my requirements. He even offered to put the odd ramp  in place and to cut back bushes and flowers, where necessary, to allow access for wheelchair. How can we possibly not accept such a kind offer and I suspect that when the good doctor arrives next Friday we will research various flights and take a chance and book for mid-October in the hope that I have not gone that much further down hill in the i -Intervening year and a half months.

I learned something today, about MND, which has puzzled me for some time and that is, how Prof Hawkins has managed to survive for so long.

Indeed, it is a question I am  asked frequently but I merely repeat what I have been told myself in the past, and that is what he has a different strain to that which  I have. However, having read a very interesting article in the ALS newsletter about a young man called David Jayne, in the US, I am now led to believe it is all to do with ventilation due to the failure of the muscles in the diaphragm which operate the lungs. It seems that  “A minority of patients, 10%, or fewer, opt to prolong their lives through surgery which allows them to breathe through a tube inserted in their trachea and connected to a ventilator. With “venting” they may live for years or, like Jayne or the famous physicist Steven Hawkins, even decades

Of course, there are various stages before one gets to such invasive surgery. For example, a face mask or vents inserted into the nostrils. In fact, a friend of mine actually plays golf wearing this contraption, disconnecting his oxygen bottle before each stroke. Then there is the invasive surgery involving an insert which stimulate the muscles in the diaphragm.

Millions of people, with or without MND, know Prof Hawkins, and may have asked themselves what  quality of life can be enjoyed by someone like that who, it appears, cannot move a muscle. I know how frustrated I get with my relatively minor disabilities. David Jayne, who contracted the disease when he was 27 and is now 49. He bravely decided to survive for the sake of his two children. He cannot speak or move his body, except for one finger and a few muscles in his face. He eats through a feeding tube, inserted just above his belly button.

He is wheelchair-bound and cannot to perform even simple tasks without the help of others. Apparently he has a Bluetooth -enabled   sensor in his jaw which enables him to use his computer and communicate with friends and others. According to the article, other people, in the latter stages of ALS, can type or speak electronically by directing keys to the cursor with their eyes in what is called an eye gaze system. (Costing between $15,000 — $18,000)  There is apparently an even more  bizarre device, currently being researched, for use when even the eye muscles fail, that it is hoped will create a brain – computer interface that will translate electrical activity within the skull into dialogue when users concentrate on characters on a monitor.  It all sounds very fascinating and something of which I must not lose sight. That is if ever I find myself that disabled and being prepared to carry on. Who can possibly say how one would react under such circumstances? (I am grateful to journalist Anya Martin, Market Watch, for this article entitled High-Tech tools are a lifeline for ALS patients.)

2

Today I go for my quarterly assessment, with my MND team, at Addenbrookes hospital. As in my normal practice I have made a list of matters to discuss with Dr Chris Allen. As usual I will press him, against his better judgement, to try to give me some prognosis as to when I’m likely to use lose the use of my arms, legs etc. I’m also extremely interested in his reaction to the recent lung tests carried out at Papworth Hospital, particularly as I am about to fly to Sweden and am not that keen to ask the airline to lay on emergency oxygen as suggested by them.

One issue about which I am curious is that the majority of MND patients complain that their principal symptom is fatigue. I usually have my first cup of tea and around 6 a.m. and am up and in the office no later than 8.30 where I stay until 6 p.m, with a couple of hours for lunch. I can’t say that I personally feel particularly fatigued by this, certainly no more than the average 76-year-old. For example, I recently spent four days at Lord’s, (for my overseas readers may not know this . Lord’s is the world famous cricket ground)  leaving home at 8.30 and back around 7 p.m.. I spent the whole day obviously watching cricket, whilst talking and engaging in the very exhausting process of drinking champagne and eating. Not on any of these four days  did I have a rest and yet I did not feel particularly ‘done in’ when I returned home. Ironically, long before I was diagnosed with MND, if it was a hot sunny afternoon at Lord’s, rumour has it that after a particularly good lunch I would nod off for the odd half hour! Every morning, as part of my daily diet I take a Berroca  tablet, a mixture of vitamins and minerals etc, which is supposed to give you energy. I wonder if this is the answer in my case?

I heard recently from a fellow MND sufferer that he has had a tube inserted into his stomach so that he can be fed twice a day. He also mentioned one of his favourite sandwiches and this prompted me to ask him how he reconciled these two conflicting ways of being fed. He told me that he could still chew and swallow but it was a very slow and painful process so basically he relied on the feeding tube to sustain life. I also heard yesterday from a distant relative, whose sister is also an MND sufferer. In her case she has decided to cut down eating and drinking and to ‘slip away’ that way. I can’t help feeling that this is the bravest and kindest way to go, having said goodbye to all your friends and relatives. However, I would be curious to know how common this is as a preferred choice to end things. I would have thought that once one has  overcome the initial hunger pangs then it was a very peaceful way to go.

One issue that I’m going to raise with Dr Alan is the question of  neurone stem cell research. I read something about it recently which showed promise and I wonder why we don’t hear more about it. I would certainly offer myself as a guinea pig if given the chance.

Whilst I am at Addenbrookes hospital I have been booked in for a bone density scan, presumably because my leg broke fairly easily when I fell off the train recently. In any event, whatever the result I don’t believe it’s very serious. Probably just a matter of taking some calcium on a daily basis. I certainly don’t want too many alarms today as it is now only just over a week before I go off to Sweden with the good doctor Long.

Some time ago, the MND Association, through their associated organisation AbilityNet, very kindly provided me with an E-reader. Up to now I have not used it as I have struggled along with a book on a book rest, with the pages being held back with elastic bands, but now the whole process of reading has become virtually impossible. I simply cannot handle the book or turn the pages. I then resorted to the E- reader but even this, I found, was not that easy to use, as with two pretty useless hands I could not really press the buttons to select the book and turn the pages etc. As a result I have asked the MND Association if I could have an iPad which is very easy to use. You can turn the page by dragging your useless hand across the touch screen, or, at worst, having say a mouse pointer strapped to your chin to achieve the same objective. The doctor has to fill in a form for the MND Association and we will see how it goes from there.

In the event, the assessment was taken by the team administrator Shelgah Smith with the OT and physio  in attendance. Although we discussed the issues which I had listed, at the end of the day Shelagh had little choice but to fall back on the standard response that every MND patient is different and they have absolutely no idea how fast one will go downhill or in what direction. She observed a change in my posture which demonstrated the weakness of my legs and increasing difficulties to balance. I mentioned the deterioration in my hands and how occasionally the right arm locks rigid. (This can cause some problems when you are eating, particularly for the person on your right, who might well end up with a spoonful of food in his lap!) I also noticed this morning, for the first time, that when shaving with my electric razor,  in the purpose made pouch strapped to my right hand, whilst lying flat on my back in bed, that my left arm suddenly refused to straighten at all. Both of these symptoms must mean that I am experiencing an increase in spasticity. I can still wipe my nose by holding the handkerchief between my clenched fists. I can clean my teeth with my electric toothbrush because my fingers curl naturally around the holder and for the same reason I can still feed myself as the spoon fits neatly into my curled fingers. I can still curl all the fingers on my right hand towards the palm but with little strength, and the three last fingers on my left hand, although they are both are gradually curling inwards, the condition being exacerbated by Dubitrons syndrome, with the left hand being far worse than the right . However, many actions with my arms require me to fling them towards my head rather than raising them in a normal way.

There’s not much I can do about exercising my hands but I do have them massaged  once a week and the fluid moved up and away from the hand. Each arm is then stretched toward the ceiling to loosen the  shoulder joint.

The reader will recall that I started the day with exercises in bed. The pelvic floor exercises (necessary because of my  artificial urinary sphincter — see earlier entry); the diaphragm exercises, to which I have added leg exercises tensioning and clenching the thigh muscles; raising my head and leg together in tension and holding each for five seconds, alternately, repeated five times and then finally resting one leg on the other straightening and holding it in position for five seconds, again repeated 10 times each leg. I finish stretching each arm, alternately, towards the ceiling and circling 10 times clockwise and 10 times anticlockwise before resting. This, I repeat, five times with each arm. Frankly, I have no idea whether any of this is doing any good but I work on the principle that they can’t be doing me any harm and, who knows it might just be extending the life of some of these muscles.

Sadly, there is no neurone stem cell research being carried on at Addenbrookes. In fact, Shelagh thought that the only research on it was being done in Edinburgh and this not yet on humans -so not much hope there. The bone density scan was quick and painless — results in four weeks time.

We also work together, and he performed, in The Fission and Chip Case, a legal training ‘play’ I wrote with Karyl Nairn and the input from a number of other legal friends.

This ‘play’ , which ran for the entire day, was set in the year 2084 and was a dispute between earthlings  and the inhabitants (Galoos) of a fictitious planet called Pluto -yet to be discovered – that we put on in Cambridge and Budapest. If I say so myself, it was out of this world and went extremely well. I only wish we could perform it again.

Anyway, we had a delicious lunch together in the open air, mulling over old times.

Anyway I shouldn’t be wasting my time on a Sunday morning writing such nonsense as the Osborne family, Nancy, Brian, Anne and their twins Kate and Tom are due here shortly for lunch. Not much of a day but I hope fine enough for us to play our annual game of croquet. This year I shall have to be more of a pain than ever and supervise all concerned from my wheelchair.

The weather did perk up and indeed was fine enough for us to have our lunch in the garden. In the event, although the croquet equipment was brought out no serious game was played. By the time we had lunch and half the team had visited the food fair in the village hall it was time for tea and a five o’clock farewell. It was great to see the Osborne family again in such good form. Kate and Tom have now left school and face an exciting future. Anne, the eldest, had just returned from a rather smart holiday in the South of France, landing at midnight, she quite sensibly took 40 winks in the sunshine in the afternoon. Mum Nancy then went on with Kate to Aldborough for a little mother/daughter bonding.

A couple of days ago I heard from Patrick Joyce, the amazing young man with MND, who has adopted the title of The Incurable Optimist, which I must say he truly deserves. My readers may recall me shelter mentioning that this incredible young man earlier in the blog and how he is determined to paint 100 portraits, of who he describes as incurable optimists and for some reason seems to think that I qualify.

Accordingly, he has now started my portrait and this will be shortly available be  online for anyone interested in viewing it. However, I do urge my readers to access Patrick’s site http://patricktheoptimist.org) or his facebook. www.facebook.com/patricktheopimist/, these sites are truly inspirational. I’m sure we will all wish Patrick a long live so that he can complete the hundred portraits that he has set out to achieve. No doubt, shortly I will be able to display a copy of Patrick portrait of me (totally undeserved, however) on this blog. What have I got to complain about?. I just had four fabulous days at Lord’s.

The cricket season started with a vengeance on Tuesday, at Lord’s, with the first test match of the year.  However, not as one would expect with England playing somebody, but Pakistan playing Australia as  Pakistan is considered to be too dangerous for visiting teams

In fact, I spent the first four days of this test match at Lord’s in excellent company. On the first day my guests were my nephew William (Garton Jones), who stayed the night with us and then drove me to the ground dropping me off at Gate 6, right into the ground, only 50 yards or so from the Warner Stand, where all the VIPs enter. (In fact, past Prime Minister John Major was held up whilst I was transferred from car to wheelchair.)  My other guest was my longest and oldest friend, 92 year old Geoffrey Hanscombe, who was just as entertaining as ever.

Apart from two or three visits to the disabled loo with the assistance of St John Ambulance staff, or one of my strong mates or, Roger & FH, and a couple of visits to sit by the lawn to smoke a small cigar, this was the general pattern over the four days, until I was wheel-chaired back to gate 6 to be driven home by Barry.

On the second day we entertained Jeremy and Susie Brinton from Dubai. Poor Jeremy had only arrived at midnight but, as usual, was full of fun and energy. I thought Susie was looking lovelier than ever, after her second baby, and we had a great day with Roger Goodwin and Paul Newman, both of whom are always good fun.

On the evening of the second day Francis Hector Grand (FH) was to stay with us and drive me in, in the morning. Unfortunately, he got rather tied up at home and did not get to us before 1.00 a.m. by which time I was well tucked up in bed.

However, he was up bright and early the following morning and drove me to Lord’s where we met my second guest, Mark Jenkins (Jenks), who was at school with son Miles. The rest of the gang were absent for some reason but it did not prevent us from enjoying a very pleasant day.

On the fourth day my good friend Dr Julian Critchlow came with Steve Harrison and we were joined by Roger and Jeremy and somehow the day slipped by in a haze of champagne and laughter.

During one of my smoking excursions the weather looked rather threatening so we sheltered  under a tree, where some great flying creature decided to drop his business onto the shoulder of my smart linen jacket. Jeremy was absolutely delighted and declared it to be a sign of good luck and, in my case, would probably add several months to my life. I just hope the old wives tale has some truth in it

The cricket aficionados amongst you might be wondering what was happening all this time out on the cricket square. To be frank, it was a pretty lacklustre game. Pakistan won the toss and decided to put Australia in. After a dramatic start losing Watson for 8.  the Australians got to 172 before losing the next wicket. Then the  wickets tumbled and the day ended with the Australians all out for 253. Pakistan’s batsmen performed poorly and the team were all out for 148 with Shane Watson getting his name on the neutral honours board in the pavilion with 5 wickets for 40. Australia were in again and ended the day on 100 for 4 – a comfortable 205 ahead but apart from Katich who scored 83 (80 in the first innings) and Hilfenhaus’s 53 not out, the rest of the team failed to perform and Australia were all out 334 leaving Pakistan 440 runs to score for an historic victory but with 2 ½. days to achieve it. Pakistan started well enough ending the day at 114 for 1 leaving them two days to score the 326 runs for victory. However it was not to be, and they were all out shortly after lunch on the fourth day giving Australia victory by 150 runs, with a day to spare .

In using members of the St John Ambulance to assist me to, and in,  the disabled loo, we discovered that they had no wheelchair of their own and, in fact, borrowed one from the MCC. Paul proposed that we bought them a new wheelchair as a gift. I took this on board and decided to invite  each of my guests over this cricket season to donate £20 each towards this project which I worked out should be sufficient to pay for a new chair. I’m glad to say that all of my chums enthusiastically donated. The St John Ambulance people do wonderful work, they are all volunteers who give up a great deal of their private time to help others at such events, and seem to receive little thanks, or recognition, for their efforts, so I think this little gesture is the least we can do for them.

Today I received a savage blow. Yet another milestone in my life is disappearing. After some correspondence with the University in Beijing we have decided that it will not be physically possible for me to go and deliver the lectures, or assist in giving the lectures, this year. Basically, the reason is that the campus is being completely reconstructed and is, in effect,  a building site. I had previously explained to  the University administration that I might need a wheelchair, but they thought that this would be almost impossible to manoeuvre it through the debris and building works.  In any event, probably the most significant problem is that until the new administrative building is completed there is no WC!. The authorities have promised that they would include one in the new building but this will not be ready by October. Even last year I had great trepidation about needing to go (as we say in English)  squatting down over the hole in the ground, which is the Eastern closet, during the lecture day. (As it happened I managed to sort this out in the hotel before I left each morning – one of the joys of being regular!). As it was, in no way, even then, 10 months ago,  could I have managed unassisted, due to my weakened legs. I cannot think of anything more undignified,  even with my dearest friend, the good Dr long, closeted in with me,  hanging on while I did my business. Now, even this will not be possible as once I sink below a certain level I simply collapsed and the whole thing would have been utterly farcical.. (Apologies to all those readers who do not suffer from lavatorial difficulties but after all this blog originally started for the benefit of MND sufferers) Add the fact that the lecture rooms are themselves on the third floor, up four flights of steps, and although I had offered, if necessary, to  be carried up those stairs, I have every sympathy with  the University decision that the whole thing would be just too much, so we have opted for plan B, the lectures this year to be delivered by my successor.

As one might expect the University expressed concern about the condition of my health and made it clear that they did not want me to suffer any inconvenience or injury for which they would feel totally blame worthy. Sadly, I am as certain as I can be that this means  I have given my last lecture in China, as at my current rate of deterioration, albeit reasonably slow, there is no way I believe I will get there next year. Interestingly, however, the University have said that they are considering buying software for remote teaching, so it could mean that next year I may be able to teach the lectures by this advanced technology.

Reading between the lines about the amount of reconstruction being carried out I sensed the University’s reservation as to how I would manage and therefore it was me who took the initiative in suggesting that I fully understood if they considered the whole thing would be too difficult. I think they were heartily relieved at my suggestion that it might be sensible if my successor were to deliver these lectures entirely on his own. The University then very kindly confirmed that they were renewing my Adjunct Professorship. This will enable me  to continue to supervise this course and possibly to mark the examination papers. There was a great sense of relief in a follow-up e-mail received from the University once I had made the decision to step down this year. In saying that my understanding of the University’s standpoint  is highly appreciated the administrator of this course  suggested that I think you may feel how upset I am when I tell you this…

I am recalling your gentleman image… and can also hear your eloquent lectures and your humorous jokes. Actually, I was moved to tears when I read your frank e-mail I think you can tell from these sentiments, how very much I will miss these dear friends.

It will almost certainly the end of the second  source of great pleasure, my visits to the beautiful Anantara at Hua Hin,  Thailand, the invariable stopping off place on the way home from trips to China and Australia (see Video section of this blog.

As I said, at the beginning, this is a very sad day, the end of an era, from which I have derived an enormous amount of pleasure and satisfaction. I have taught over 1000 Chinese lawyers the British way of dispute resolution. I shall miss all the friends that I have made over the years on my visits and the delightful hard-working students, a number of whom continue to keep in touch with me, from time to time..

This is just the sort of thing makes one realise that the end is in sight. First,  my car  disappeared, having being sold  by ’my lovely’ without even I asking me. Of course, she did so in my best interest as she considered I was too dangerous to drive. (I’m sure, on mature reflection, she was right; she usually is! — I was pretty good steering on straight roads but the bends were a bit tricky!) The next thing was me having to sleep downstairs and no longer even to visit the bedroom where I have slept for the last 46 years, in my beautiful four poster bed (admittedly, the decision that I would never be allowed upstairs again was taken after falling backwards downstairs from the top step to the bottom, twice in three days). The next thing to go, I believe, will be my fine  modern snooker table, in order to make more room for wheelchairs and general manoeuvrability.  I had it specially made for my office, 25 odd years ago.. Things are disappearing and my life is inexorably shrinking.

Having said all that, it is, of course, inevitable with MND and I do not want my readers to think that I’m becoming depressed  just understandably increasingly frustrated at not be able to do things that I know, under normal circumstances, I would be perfectly capable of doing!! That’s one of the problems with MND. You’re not physically ill, apart from feeling a little more tired than usual, just basically progressively incapacitated. Having said that I must remember, that this blog is all about Living not Dying, which I have to remind myself when I write this sort of whingeing  entry.

Now for the mundane. My great excitement today was a visit to the Saffron Walden Community Hospital for an x-ray of my ankle, which is still badly swollen but showed no internal damage and then to the dentist for a general scrape round and a hygienist  session.

Nephew, William Garton Jones, came to stay this evening in order to take me to Lord’s tomorrow. I actually knew William before I met ‘my lovely’, as his parents were living in Aden the same time as I was, when Alice came over from Kenya for his christening. I used to meet William’s parents (Mary was her eldest sister) at the officers club, Tarshyne,  in Elephant Bay, where, no doubt, I was introduced to the infant William. The