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Pub Joke 1

Posted by DMC on 15 September 2009 in Jokes |

A man went into a pub.

“Good evening, sir”, said the landlord, what would you like to drink?

“A large whiskey thank you”, said the man.

“That will £3.50”, said the landlord.

“No”, said the man, “I distinctly remember you invited me to have a drink. I thought it was very kind of you”.

The landlord turned to another customer, who was a solicitor, and ask for his support.  The solicitor said that he was very sorry, but the landlord had definitely made an offer and the man had accepted it, so he did not have to pay. The landlord was furious and turned the man out, telling him never to come back again. But about 10 minutes later the man reappeared.

“I thought I told you never to come back”, the landlord said.

“I’ve never been here before my life”, said the man.

“Then you must have a double”, said landlord.

“Thank you very much, I will and I’m sure my solicitor friend would like one too.”

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Broken Fingers

Posted by DMC on 15 September 2009 in Jokes |

Talking of achievement reminds me of the man who went to the doctor with a broken finger.  The doctor put it in the splint.

“Will I be able to play the piano, when it’s better?”, he asked the doctor.

“I don’t see why not”, said the doctor.

“Funny”, said the man, “I’ve never been able to play before…”

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Tents

Posted by DMC on 15 September 2009 in Jokes |

A man who went to see his doctor.

“I’m not well, doctor.  There’s something wrong with me.  In the mornings I think I’m a wigwam, and in the afternoon I think I’m a marquee”.

The doctor examined him and said, “I’m going to give you a sedative. You’re two tents…”

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Pigs

Posted by DMC on 15 September 2009 in Jokes |

A man was driving his large Bentley down a winding country  lane. As he approached a sharp corner he met a lady in a Mini who was forced to mount the grass verge to avoid the Bentley. She wound down her window and shouted out, “Pig!”

The driver of the Bentley was so annoyed that he wound down his window and shouted back, “Silly old bitch!”

He then drove slowly forward and, as he rounded the corner, he saw a large pig squatting in the middle of the lane.

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Getting the Wrong End of the Stick

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

A man came home and found a naked man in the house. His wife said, “it’s all right darling. The man is a nudist who just dropped in to use the telephone”.

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Elephants

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

A man sitting in the corner of a railway carriage kept tearing pieces out of his  newspaper, screwing them into small balls and then throwing the out of the window.

A man sitting opposite became curious and asked him why he was doing it.

“It keeps the elephants away”, the man said.

“But there aren’t any elephants”, his companion replied.

“Exactly”, said the man, “see how effective it is?”

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Cowboy and the Bishop

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

Speaking of options reminds me of the Bishop and Texan cowboy who found themselves sitting next to each other on a ‘plane journey.

After take-off the stewardess asked the cowboy if he would like a drink.  He ordered bourbon on the rocks.

She then turned to the bishop and asked if he would like the same.

“Madam”, he said, “I would rather be ravaged by a hoard of wanton women than let alcohol pass my lips.”

The cowboy then leant over the bishop and handed back his whisky. “Me too”, he said, “I didn’t realise there was an option.”

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Norfolk Joke 1

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

Boy Arthur and George were on the way down to the Cricketers public house, one evening, when they saw a young lady, by the side of the road, with a bicycle with a flat tyre.

Arthur said to George, “You go on down to the pub and line up the beer and I’ll stay and help this young lady mend her puncture”.

Half an hour later George arrived at the pub riding the girl’s bicycle.

“What you doing on that young lady’s bicycle?” said Boy George.

“Well, it were like this ‘er”, said Arthur.

“A’er I mended the tyre, that young lady were so grateful she went behind the haystack, dropped her drawers and said, you can have anything you like. So I took ‘er bicycle”, said Arthur.

“Quite right”, said George. “Her knickers wouldn’t ‘ave fitted you anyway”.

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Starting a Lecture

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

This is one of the many devices I use at the beginning of my lectures in China in order to grab the students’ attention.

Sometimes I start in Latin,  other times with a quotation from my illustrious namesake, Marcus Cato the Elder.

On this occasion I started  by asking for all the idiots in the room to stand up. One brave soul did so. Of course I didn’t expected anyone to do so, so I asked him, “Why did you stand up?”

The student, who obviously was a bit of a wag, if not slightly lacking in good manners, replied: “Well, Sir, I didn’t want you to be the only idiot  standing up!”

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Love on Mars

Posted by DMC on 16 September 2009 in Jokes |

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.  Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.  “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.

“Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

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