D. Mark Cato's Blog » Jokes

1 November 2011

DMC — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:49:47 +0000

Last night was Halloween butt we were not plagued with ghosts or ghoulies orthe local children knocking on the door offering’ tririck or treat’.

Alice had a goodly provision of chocolate biscuits and other goodies to hand out in case we had our usual visit and we opted for ‘treat’. but, this year,they left us alone. Heaven knows what we would be ask to do if we said ‘trick? Maybe this is just another old tradition which is beginning to die out. Although I think the Americans, from whence I believe the tradition emanated , make still make much more of a fuss over this event than we do.

Last night I switched to sleeping in the new ‘nose only’ respirator which is far more comfortable than the one covers that both nose and mouth. The problem with this larger one is that it was likely to put pressure on the eye, which has just been operated on, which, of course, we were both anxious to avoid. In the event I had a perfectly comfortable night and got quite used to the new respirator and have decide to use it on a regular basis, from now on. The point is that, as it does not cover my mouth, as and when I get to a point where I need daytime intervention it might be possible for me to use this and still dictate at the same time.

The five-day weather forecast had promised that Tuesday was going to be ‘the best day of the week’, at least weather -wise, however at 9.15, half an hour before I was due to leave with Ollie, he telephoned and informed us of it was raining and did I really want to go. We asked iPeter the gardener and he was of the opinion that it was going to clear up, which is what the meteorological office forecast. So, on the strength of these two authorities, rather than what we could see out of the window, I decided to go, particularly as it was a relatively mild day. In the event it remained dry and is quite a pleasant day. In fact the sun burst through just about the time we got back to the clubhouse were able to sit outside smoking and drinking in comfort, this week the Major (Guy Hipkin) and John Gray did the honours, dressing me up feeding etc.

I got home about 3.15 and found that I had a four o’clock appointment with a dear old friend whose builder had gone broke on him. He wasn’t quite sure whether he should go from here. Although I was a little tired. I think I was able to help him.

. Today’s diversion might seem a little naughty to some readers , if you are the slightest bit prudish then . please, do not open it, otherwise , if you are a fairly free spirit, look at it and thank your lucky stars .that you did not marry an Italian. if you did , my commiserations. Click here to have a laugh

26 September 2011

DMC — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 07:25:51 +0000

This was one of those days when Tuesday falls on Monday, if that doesn’t sound too Irish and by saying so I’m not being politically incorrect! Followers of this blog will realise that the geriatric golfers always play on a Tuesday except on a few rare occasions when the Club Secretary has allowed a society to play on the Tuesday then the geriatrics are forced to play on the Monday, which is what happened this week.

Sadly the weather forecast today was not too promising and there was the danger of the odd heavy shower. I have no idea what would happen to my electric wheelchair if I was stuck out on the golf course somewhere and I got soaked I suspect the electrics would blow up and this was not a risk that I was prepared to take, so the long and short of it is I didn’t go.

‘My lovely’ went off to do some errands at lunchtime and as ‘Jane the sheep’ was not entirely over her cold she very thoughtfully roped in Paul to do her stint for her. As it happened this suited me as I’m still getting absolutely nowhere with the Dragon voice activation people. I rang them again this morning to receive the same message as that which I’ve had over the past three weeks’ still no response from America’.

As a result I got consent from the MND Association to engage Paul’s services to strip down my laptop in an attempt to identify the problem. Then, when the Americans do eventually get back to us I’m hoping will be able to them what is the problem

As anything to do with this blog is a real labour of love, due to the current sporadic nature of the voice activation, after wasting a couple of hours on it this morning, I gave up and instead watch the first two instalments of the new television series ,Downton Abbey. From what I’ve seen so far it seems to be superior to the initial series. Set during the First World War it is not dissimilar to one of our favourite programmes years ago, called Upstairs and Downstairs. and has shades of Evelyn Waugh’sBrideshead Revisited.

Here’s a little joke to finish with. Click here.

Boner

DMC — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 12:55:07 +0000

Boner

Never mess with Australian women

DMC — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 16:43:35 +0000

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Paddy and Mick

DMC — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 16:37:34 +0000

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy
looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50
per pair”.

Paddy said to his pal, “Mick look at the prices! We could buy a
whole lot of those and when we get back to Irelandwe could make a
fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da
talking ’cause if they hear our accents, dey might tink we’re thicko’s
from Irelandand try to screw us. I’ll put on me best English accent.”

“Roight y’are Paddy, I’ll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do
all da business” said Mick.

They go in and Paddy says in a posh voice, “Hello my good man.
I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50
pairs of trousers at £2.50 each and I’ll back up my truck ready to
load them.”

The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Ireland, aren’t you?”

“Well yes,” said a surprised Paddy. “What gave it away?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners.”

Seeds

DMC — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 12:01:15 +0000

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, “It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. “The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued. “I am going to give each one of you a SEED today – one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you.

I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one

I choose will be the next CEO.”

One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still

nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by — still nothing in Jim’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn’t say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil – He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at

the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful — in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown,” said the CEO. “Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!”

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, “The CEO knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!”

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed – Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, “Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!

His name is Jim!” Jim couldn’t believe it. Jim couldn’t even grow his seed.

“How could he be the new CEO?” the others said.

Then the CEO said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead – it was not possible for them to grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new

Chief Executive Officer!”

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Think about this for a minute….

If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care?

If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened, would you come?

If I had one day left to live my life, would you be part of that last day?

If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours?

This is a test to see who your real

friends are or if you are just someone to talk to you when they are bored.

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes?

They blink together,

they move together,

they cry together,

they see things together,

and they sleep together,

but they never see each other;

….that’s what friendship is..

Your aspiration is your motivation, your

motivation is your belief,

your belief is your peace,

your peace is your target,

your target is heaven, and life is like hard core torture without it!

It’s ‘World Best Friends Week’

Who is your best friend?

The Sneeze

DMC — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 16:58:05 +0000

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper.”

Golf Poem

DMC — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 08:59:06 +0000

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs
and losers of balls…..
A recent study found the average golfer walks
about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink,
on average,
22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average,
golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
Almost feel like a hybrid.

If we only knew for sure

DMC — Sat, 01 May 2010 16:23:00 +0000

	If we only knew for sure


Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’ Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’ Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. ‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony. ‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’ Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony. ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’ Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked. That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’ ‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony ‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer. ‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’ ‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’ Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

23 really awful oldies

DMC — Sat, 01 May 2010 16:08:32 +0000

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in it, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’

23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.